Research/Data

Keep a detailed, dated journal of everything that happens. Include the times that the incidents happen. Gather up as much financial information as you can (bank statements, tax returns, stock portfolios, deeds, pay stubs, etc.) and make copies. Do not keep any evidence at home where there is a risk of them being found. Financial sources may magically disappear after you/they leave and you will need evidence that they were there before. If you are going to need money and have access to joint finances, you may want to begin taking small, unnoticeable amounts and then socking the money away. If you charge groceries, every time you go, you may want to use the card to get cash back. Hide or remove your valuables and sentimental things to prevent them from being stolen or destroyed.

• Expect your circle of trusted friends and family to shrink considerably. Unless people have experienced narcissistic abuse they will not understand what you are going through. That lack of understanding causes people to doubt what you are telling them. And because narcissists are chameleons, people outside of the home never see their abusive side. They cannot see what you see, therefore may not believe your version of things, may accuse you of being too sensitive or unfair, may get annoyed when you talk about it, and will likely encourage you to “try to work things out”. These responses are very hurtful. What you are going through is so confusing and traumatic that you definitely need to talk about it. But be careful. Only share your thoughts with those who “get it”. Find a coach, counselor, or therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse that can be your primary support system. It will be invaluable to you.
• One of the ways the narcissist will retaliate against you is to turn your friends and family against you. Do not trust anyone with private information until you know the person is completely safe.
• Get off of all social media. Your narcissistic spouse will use it to spy on you and it will give them a huge list of flying monkeys to recruit. If you become suspicious you may want to have your electronics tested for spyware, your car tested for tracking devices, and your home tested for “bugs”. Some narcissists hack into phones and emails. Beware.
• You will become the narcissist’s mortal enemy once divorce proceedings begin. Nothing shared in the past matters to them. They are driven by an insatiable need to win at all costs. If she thinks it will help her case she will make accusations against you that are totally untrue. It is best to know this going in so you won’t be shocked, hurt, or disappointed when the smear campaign begins.
• Narcissists are all about control. If they can hold something over your head or blackmail you they will. Don’t hold onto property too long if the narcissist refuses to let it go, even if you have a right to it. Your peace of mind and safety are the most valuable things you can have. Make them your priority.
• Narcissists will not follow through with any promises made to you. Do not communicate directly or negotiate with them. Nothing good will come of it.
• If you have children together and must communicate, only do it through apps such as Family Wizard or Talking Parents. Everything communicated there may become evidence to use in court. Be careful what you say. Use good etiquette, demonstrate flexibility and willing collaboration, and give polite, but brief and to the point responses.
• The family court system is far from perfect. The decisions may be inequitable. Narcissists are known to manipulate judges, and pay off guardian ad litem, court appointed therapists, custody evaluators, and everyone else involved in family law. Keep this in mind. Do not blindly trust that the legal system has your back.